Three Weeks In

Three weeks today and I have lost 31.5 pounds. I really haven't begun exercising, but that is the next step. No real cravings. I have overdone it on shrimp and crackers, but don't feel the need to add either to my poison list. I'll see how the crackers go and may have to add that though I hope not since I really like to have crackers with my salad and I eat a LOT of salads now. I'm trying to keep this personal and not "preach" to family and friends. This is my battle and everyone must choose if and when to fight their own war. Still I am gladdened by my progress, certainly too early to call it a success, and am saddened when I see loved ones who struggle with the same addiction I have. I am no where close enough to success to tell others how to do this, but am pleased that this path is working for me. Looking forward to less of me.

Two Weeks In

So, it has been a full two weeks since I started this thing. I met another goal today. I am now able to move the large weight on the doctor's type scale I have to use to a lower position. And I am 25 pounds down. Amazingly, I have made a few bad choices this week. But not bad enough to mess up what I have going on. Which is proof that I can do this.
Today I have an appointment wiht the doctor who did my lap band surgery last May. I plan to tell him what I have been doing and find out if the band can stay in me without using it and cause no harm. I am determined to do this without the band. I'm sure it is the absolute answer for some people. However, I am not one of those people. It just caused so much frustration and seemed to be a challenge only in my ability to "work my way around" it instead of working with it.
I bought a smoothie recipe book yesterday since there is really nothing I like to drink but water. I think it will help to have something sweet and refreshing I can drink that is also healthy for me. Today I will buy a blender. Today I will stay within my 1200-1400 calorie goal. Today I will be in control of my actions. Today I am two weeks older, 25 pounds lighter and unmeasurably happier than I was when this journey began. I can only imagine how I will feel at 50 pounds down, whenever that happens and I know it WILL.

Reaching goals

So my first goal for this journey was to get below a certain weight which I had sworn I never wanted to be at again and of course I had once again reached and passed. I met that goal five days in and so I have set a second goal. After a weekend away and a few questionable choices, I am only 2 pounds away from meeting that goal. It is a banner day when I can high five myself and say look what I've done. But I am certain that without the prayers I requested early on and the hand of God on my shoulders, I would reach no goal alone. I've done that in the past; set a goal, reached a goal, taken complete credit for my control; I won't make that mistake again. ANd so my ultimate goal is to keep God in the midst of this whole thing. To remind myself that I am helpless without His love and guidance. I can't even say without His help, because really when does God ever HELP us? He allows us to play in His sandbox and even allows us to be prideful. That is another poison for me and I need to remember it every day. Pride does nothing for me, humble is the way to go. And so I set another goal today and I ask God to allow me to do what I need to do in order to reach that goal. I'll let you know when it happens.

Taking Others With Me On This Trip

When I decided to make this life change last week, I at first thought I would not tell anyone. That meant that if I fail AGAIN no one would even know. Then I thought about how those who I have accused of enabling me in the past can be supporters instead. Aftre all, people have encouraged me to eat, they have taken me out to eat, they have shared food with me, but no adult has EVER forced me to eat. Of course I have many times allowed myself to use the excuse of a celebration to derail me from doing what I knew was the right thing. I have to know from here forward that if something is poison for me on a regular day, it's still poison on a holiday. If I don't need food to travel from my house to the grocery store, though sometimes I thought I did, I don't need food in the car to travel on a long road trip. And just because someone (usually my sweet aunt (hereafter known as mom) says "honey, is that all you're gonna eat" I don't need or deserve more food. I am an adult, a loud, opinionated, outspoken, adult. I control as much in life as living among other humans allows me to control. That means that chocolate, cakes, pies, cookies, chips, and soda should not control me. And neither do other people. That is how the idea for the food lists came about. Poisons are foods that are literally killing me. They simply cannot be eaten. Maybes are foods that can get out of control quickly and should be taken in moderation. Oks are foods that are good for me, will not get me off track, and I can feel good about eating. And so on Thursday at breakfast I told my husband about how I was feeling and what I was going to try to do. That evening I told my dear friend who had also had lap band and is struggling with the results. On Saturday I told my red hat friends. Sunday I told my family. Wednesday I told some of my church family. And now I am putting it out there for anyone who reads this to see. This is a journey. A journey that will not end until I die because I am a food addict. And, unlike a druggie, or an alcoholic, I have to partake of some form of my addiction in order to survive. Did I mention I am down 17.5 pounds since I started this journey. Did I mention that it feels wonderful. Did I mention that peel and eat shrimp ROCKS. Have a great day.

One Week In

One week ago today I awoke to the knowledge that I have been killing myself. Through the slow, continuous process of eating foods that I am addicted to as surley as an alcoholic is to liquor and a drug addict is to the drug of choice, I am dying. Like many people I have fought this battle for as many years as I can recall. I have DIEted using every means available and last May even had lap band surgery. Of course as a wise friend once said "the doctor operated on my stomach, not on my head". And so after the first exciting weeks post surgery when I began to realize there were foods I could not eat, it bacame a challenge to beat this foreign object that was keeping me from my friends (the foods I wanted and craved). I wanted to lose more weight than I was, even though I was far from following the "rules of the road" for this surgery to be successful. By January when I was down only 39 pounds and throwing up most days because I couldn't get the foods I wanted to eat to go through the band, I literally had a crying fit in the doctor's office. I was going on a cruise at the end of the month and wanted to enjoy all the food I knew would be available to me. "I should have just had gastric bypass" I told my doctor's associate. As if I would have followed those post op rules. After enough talk and blubbering, the doctor decided to completely back off the band which means he basically deflated it so my body would behave as if it had never been there. Yippee, what would I eat first. A stern warning to make an appt. for the following month to start the process anew and to not "go crazy" and I was on my way to the first restaurant and the biggest glass of soda I could find. I loved the cruise and the foods my husband and sister and brother-in-law shared in New Orleans before the cruise. I loved the foods I could eat when we returned home. I skipped the appt. in Feb. and in March. And now it was April 8th and I was 30 pounds up from when I last saw the doctor. I could not breathe, my clothes felt like I had been poured into them, my feet and knees hurt, I was miserable. But somehow, I felt empowered. I knew that I had to take responsibility for MY situation. I thought of all the excuses I have used in the past. I thought of all the times I made it someone else's fault for enabling me to eat the things that made me as fat as I ever want to be again. I knew it was REALLY time. When describing this to my youngest sister she said "but you've been here before". All I can say is I have NOT ever been where I was last Thursday morning. I knew then and I know now that I can fall any moment, any day. I know I have to make better choices and I know that this is not an easy journey. I am down 16.5 pounds since last Thursday. I made a list of foods that day that are POISON for me, a list of foods that are "maybe" ok for me and a list of foods that are fine for me. I decided to just count calories. It has worked for hundreds of years for millions of people and it is as complicated as I want it to be. I decided to stay within 1200-1400 calories, to keep a journal, to weigh every day, to tell people how I feel and what I am doing. I am Finally, Fully, Fed Up and I want to live a little longer, if for no other reason than to see if I can gain control of this addiction that is my darkest demon. Did I already say I'm down 16.5 pounds? Did I say it feels great? Did I say I'm cautiously optimistic? All of that is true. At least for today. I hope I'll be here to see what tomorrow brings.